Monday, February 9, 2009
No, No, No...I'm Doing Great
"No, No, No...I'm Doing Great: a tailspin into insanity (tailspinsanity?)"
by MC Skatrat (the actor formerly known as Joaquin Phoenix
Oh man, I'm like an artist. Like, an artist's artist. I can do everything. Even act. As an artist. Or freestyle as an actor-turned-rapper-turned artist. I quit acting. I'm deep, man. Like an ocean. That's why my parents almost named me: Ocean. But they decided that it was too similar to my uncle Tundra and my aunt Rainforest. Children of God, playa. They once made me worship a tree branch, playa.
Oh yeah, I say "playa" now. Why? Because I'm no longer Joaquin Phoenix. That was my fascist name. Now, I'm MC Skatrat, the most fly on the wall. Sticky and sweet, slick and to the beat.
Look, right there, I rapped. And you doubted me? Psssch. I own the night.
Come on, I'm in the zone now. How many movies did I make where I acted braindead? And then they had me play Johnny Cash, who spoke like he was braindead. The Golden Globes wanted to high-five my weiner, they loved me as Cash so much. I could've banged the Golden Globes' mother if I wanted to. But I'm too into Mother Earth that I'd never do it. I love this planet more than people. Also, because I'm so mysterious and miserably charming as a bag full of misery that no one can get inside my head. It's too dark. Maybe you should turn on a light. Oh wait, you can't, because that would be electricity killing the planet. Asshole.
But anyway, fuck acting.
Now, I'm into music. And you're into me. You're into my music through the power of song. I'm so cool I'm retarded. Totally retarded. Just...so retarded.
I'm a humanitarian and I approve my message.