Monday, December 1, 2008
Everyone Seems To Not Know I Killed 2 Women
"Everyone Seems To Not Know That I Killed 2 Women: Revisiting August 5, 1987"
by Matthew Broderick
Matthew Broderick has always appeared mild-mannered, right?
He's been a teacher, a general, a Nuclear Regulatory Commission scientist, and at some point, he played a video game that like...helped the Navy or something...I don't know...there only seems to be five people on Earth who think that WarGames was overrated...but were you aware that Broderick faced a prison sentence of up to five years once for double manslaughter?
Don't worry. He didn't go. Ferris Bueller's Day Off had just come out the year before, so everybody still freakin' loved him.
I mean, why wouldn't you love Matthew Broderick? Didn't you see The Stepford Wives remake? Hello...? Ever heard of a little something called The Producers? Yea, that's the Broadway play you always talked about wanting to see but never actually had any plans of going. Mel Brooks had to write one of his films into a play for you to finally think that musicals weren't boring. Right, right, right, you're sooooo cultured.
Which is why you're reading this book, you class act, you.
In this thrlling defense over 20 years later, beloved actor Matthew Broderick takes you to Ireland, but not for sight-seeing. No, sir. He wants to tell you what went down on August 5, 1987.
He finally wants to tell you about the time that mediocre-at-best-actress Jennifer Grey and he veered their rented BMW into the opposite lane of the road in Enniskillen, County Fermanaghand, and smashed head-on into a car driven by a mother and daughter, who both died instantly.
Oh sure, everyone wanted to know why he was driving on the wrong side of the road two decades ago when it actually happened, but Matthew Broderick wasn't ready then. And he'll speak when he's ready. Got it? The guy was in The Cable Guy, for crying out loud.
So what did he tell people in 1987? He said, "I don't remember the day. I don't remember even getting up in the morning. I don't remember making my bed. What I first remember is waking up in the hospital, with a very strange feeling going on in my leg."
Like it was nothing. Like he was making eggs and accidentally bumped his knee during a hangover. You wouldn't know he just caused the deaths of two innocent women in Ireland. He was smoother than Warren Beatty in Bugsy. Oh, you never saw it? Well, that's probably because it was missing a certain actor...oh, Matthew Broderick anyone?
Surely he was going to prison, you're thinking.
Nope. Not Matthew Broderick. Ol' tricky Matthew Broderick instead paid £175 and left the country as politely as he entered it.
And now you've got the book that tells you how he did it.