Wednesday, November 19, 2008
How To Seduce Everyone
"How To Seduce Everyone"
a guide for the ride
by Eyvette Min
As I write this, it is 6:32 a.m. and I have a martini in one hand and a boy in the other.
Did I just get up or did I just get home? Is it going to be a wildly fantastic day or was it a fantastically wild night? I suppose it's the age old question that has nothing to do with old age; it has to do with your fevers, what makes your body clock tick like a timebomb during a weekend on the town.
Which are you taking home, the taxi or the man? Here's a hint: one saves you time and money. One's fare and the other's fair. Drop that F. Now what are you: "are" (concrete and stationary) or "air" (free and angelic)?
Nobody paying fare is playing fair, girl. Didn't they teach you that as soon as you learned how to paint your fingernails and wiggle your tush? Oh my, have you been paying for you own meals? Well, let me tell you, I haven't paid for a meal since Jack-In-The-Box was serving kangaroo meat.
You have the answers. Now you just have to make those boys question themselves.
Ah, these questions, these challenges, these wonders, these battles...so alarming and charming, like a book of poetry set on fire and put out to sea to die.
Health vs. wealth, property vs. luxury, nature vs. nurture, strawberries vs. cream....
Why not have both, I say?
I can exercise all right and exercise my right, I can have my stake while having my steak, and I can have my wilderness with my wildness, all with some strawberries & cream, of course.
Boys are easy, not flimsy. Girls, well, we're another war. And we invented the rules, just so you know; scrawled in lipstick and vodka. Maybe finalized by a scream down Fifth Avenue in a limo.
This is your time, your night, your life. I mean, who else is gonna dance for you?
Ever seen a hot tub before dawn? Well, I'll tell you, it sparkles, like a glistening bath of diamonds. Sugardaddies aren't just candy, darling. Sometimes, they're sweeter.
And, if you must know, after midnight, I often drop the "ward" and keep my wardrobe down to a slim minimum....a sliminmum? Wow, that's a mouthful.
Which brings me back to boys being easy.
You can always have it good by being no good. But remember the three Cs: classy, coy and celebrationious.
Fine, ok, that last one's not a word. But I'm sure if you dropped your lip gloss and bent over to get it in front of Webster, he'd make anything you said a word. You could be a word, but you're more than that; you're a phrase, a sentence, an essay, a novel, in fact, you're the whole goddamn language, really.
So, here's your new motto, ladies (cherish it):
You don't have to be easy to have it easy. You just need to make it look easy.
Work it and you'll never work again.
Well, you have to read this book and I've gotta jet (am I leaving or did some nice young man actually buy me a jet? I suppose you'll know the answer by the last chapter).
So, I'm off, even when I'm dead-on.
p.s. Yes, I did make it so that Chapter 15 smells like Strawberries & Cream. That's the sexy chapter.